first church sacramental

when I graduated from college I entered church. 

This is the first time when I come to Sacramento. Last time does not count because it is only 15min listening to the chorus. I still don’t know what spirit is. The missionaries say it is joy, happiness, gratitude and all positive feelings. But today at the church, I know I’m not feeling joyful but instead it is tear from sadness. Is that my spirit?

I started to cry and cry and cry. The interesting thing is that in church I feel so connected to people. When I started to cry I can feel people can feel it and they started to sob too. I don’t if it is because they feel my spirit or their spirit is also sadness. Or is it because their spirit is sadness and I was influenced in some ways.

I have so many questions: when I first come to the church to study, sister quack told us when she feels uncomfortable and when there is hardship, she pray. God will help her out of these and bear the burden that is on her. I feel it is so cruel to put all things on him instead of doing it ourselves.

I found when I don’t listen and pay attention, I stopped crying.

christian temple visit

A lady gave me the shirts and bread and water.

Maybe it is because I dressed in a pant with deliberate holes on it.

Or maybe I have a giant pimple that takes the whole jaw of me

The room is full of cinemon taste which is very fafamiliar

They are playing Africa music the jazz is so so beautiful

A women is doing her testimony without taking a breath

They are welcoming me

Thank you so much

It has been a while since I last see elder Dunn and Hokala. I feel I outgrowed the interest in Mormon. What appeals to me most for example purest, closest to god all seem less attractive for the world view being too rigid and focused and exclusive. I want it to be inclusive colorful and accepting. We don’t have to be baptized to repent all the sins and be clean, we are what we are carrying all sufferings and wonders with us at the same time. 

They are nice person and I want to be friends with them it is only that I want to explore more. maybe 1 year later I suddenly realized I want to go back to Mormon and I will actually do so. But it is not for now. I’m very certain. 

Also I feel I incorporated part of it already or it could be that I have that part but Mormonism activated that part. I drink decaf now. I don’t have sex and feel very content about my choice. I’m like a new born baby and the world is so beautiful and ready for me to explore, and she taught me a lesson. But it is only one lesson. 

budda:

everything connected and everything a mirror of god and thus we are not alone and we are all part of the inter being

• No birth, no death, no production, no destruction

• Live in the world of living reality instead of ideas

• 3 doors of liberation: emptiness (empty of a separate self), signlessness (understand things not by appearance but by interbeing), aimlessness (we already are what we want to become. We simply return to ourselves through mindfulness and touch the peace and joy that are already present within us and all around us)

Elder Dunn will be moving to Chinatown. I met them we played the piano first and we talked about how god can be justice and mercy at the same time. they invited me to baptize again but this time I feel I outgrowed all these and started to state my own faith. I love articulate how I think and how I feel and it finally let out all the emotions and ideas instead of holding them for myself.

Thank them I will always remember this and someday may go back to this. It is a seed.

pachamama: not just the soil, more like nurturing, you are allowed to love, do anything you want

words to lei and kevin

thank you so much for hosting me! you two are not only practicing allowing and accepting for yourselves but also you are trying to push it to others around you including me. here i feel accepted as a family member and feel abundant love and care, though sometimes there still could be frictions and fights under our own constrictions. i feel accepted on the streets on french quarter when you accept me wanting to go to the river instead; i feel accepted when i chose the silly bar but kevin was so supportive and we actually went there and it was fun; i feel accepted when on the way to the airport, you told me that if the flight get canceled feel free to call you and you will pick me up ; i feel accepted by your simple existence

i can clearly notice my changing and am so happy excited to share this experience with you. the underlying motivations is changing from fear-driven into hope-driven. now i ask more about what i want, what can i do to get want i want, and i’m not so afraid to imagine things in the future. maybe in the physical world things stay the same at this point, but it will move little by little

i hope lei’s business starts off and wish he keep experimenting with his spiritual practices and the more physical side-clay and other art forms. i hope kevin’s work goes well-you are so passionate about your work and makeup is def a practice for you to prove your existence and to help others around

i’m actually very excited for our departure, as i know that we will all experience things that belong to our path. thank you for including me in your life and i ‘m very happy to keep sharing my life. love y’all no matter what. see you later

farewell to my past self? but how to farewell? i think my past is still here within my body, and i accept it, sometime the fear still comes up, and old memories hit me into panic with distorted visions, but i deeply know that i’m different and i choose to be different

‘religion is the highest level of reliance’ what do you think?

i realized there is a higher mission in my life which is higher than every single thing and people i love. it is explore myself and understand who i am and where i wanna go. the practice can be spiritual, or realized through art/love. but i’m still very struggled today because i feel i’ve been procrastinating mfa application. 

am i too indulgent?????

how to get to know the reality? not attach to everything but attach certain amount to things i really care about